Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I was never one who brimmed with self confidence. I think I can safely say I was a shy kid, I HATED using the phone, I didn't like being the center of attention. It certainly didn't help that at age 13 I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease and had to go on cortico-steroids which swelled my face to gargantuan proportions. I hated the way I looked, some kids at school made fun of me, and henceforth I became very self conscious. Even when the swelling went down, I felt like people were always looking at me, for the wrong reasons. Sh** like that will mess with you FOREVER!! When I went to Spain my junior year in College, I kind of gained some courage and a little bit of self-esteem since I had to survive somehow on my own. Later, I didn't date much, prefering to stay home and eat and watch TV. When I met my "husband", I guess I looked ok, and I guess I looked ok at my wedding. Now, being single again, and constantly surrounded by what look like happily married good looking people with these mega families (4 or 5 kids!!) I want to go crawl under a rock!! I avoid swim practice because all they talk about is their families, their high powered and high paying jobs, their plans, their vacations, their homes (don't get me started about my feeling about $$!!!). I don't begrudge them their happiness-it must be nice having that spouse to turn to at night, to share a glance with over the dinner table, to have that support while dealing with an unruly child, to know that the snow will be shoveled and maybe even your car cleaned off. But it is just so hard being surrounded by this. So I'm having to deal with these feeling of self-consciousness (and jealousy!) once more. Bleh. It's like I'm 13 all over again. And I hated being 13!! And it doesn't help that I cut my hair back in October and I can't decide if I like it or not. Sheesh, will it ever get better?