Friday, December 10, 2010
Gah! It is so frustrating, depressing, incapacitating, self-esteem deflating to be unemployed! I know that the economy is bad, and that there are so many people in my predicament, but I didn't think it would take so long for me to find something. To stave off a nervous breakdown, I go for a long walk every day. During these walks I talk to myself, let my mind wander, have practice interviews, cry, shout, sing along with my MP3, (and collect cans for the deposit $$!) and lately I have been questioning just about every major decision I have made in the last 20 years. My biggest regret is that I did not become a certified teacher/education major in college. While that is no guarantee, I think my options would be more varied and stable. What did I know in college?!? Nothing. You think you're all mature, that you have your life planned out, but I think few really know. So, that's a big mistake of mine. I did teach for 6 years in a Private School where a certification isn't necessary for employment. I was a good teacher and I contributed a great deal to the school community- teaching, advising, coaching, chaperoning, etc. Being out of the field for about 10 years, however, does not make for an attractive resume now. I don't think I would hire myself to teach a language that I haven't even spoken in that same amount of time. Every day care/child care/early childhood teacher/assistant teacher job I see requires a degree or working towards a degree to be considered. I guess I could go back to school, but honestly, I don't have it in me right now. I really don't. The thought of taking a Praxis (like an SAT) exam terrifies me. So, that's the big thing that sucks. The other thing, and please do not misunderstand, is that I am now questioning staying home with my kids for their first years of life. I do not, repeat, DO NOT, regret staying home with them and being the one who raised them instead of some 20 yr. old day care worker. I am just questioning whether it was the financially prudent thing to do. We didn't have a lot of money back when the kids were babies. It was a struggle, and I was (and continue to be) extremely frugal and smart with money. I think that being out of the game has hurt me. I did go back to work once a week at the aforementioned Ukrainian School when my youngest was 2 1/2. Then when she was 4 I added in teaching a baby tumbling/gymnastics class weekday mornings, then when she was 5 I became like a receptionist at her school. All 3 of those jobs found me. I wasn't even looking!! I thought I'd be on my way to something full time, or at least more substantial, but it's worse than ever. I look and apply every day online, which I guess is the modern classified ad where no one ever gets a job. So that is an exercise in futility. Many scams on there too! That's so disheartening. I applied for a teaching job with Teach for America and was rejected from that. I filled out forms for a placement agency for Private Schools and they had nothing for me. And on and on. I fear for my future!! I am 42 and do not have a job. I couldn't support myself and my children if I had to. Makes for many long and sleepless nights.